The battle of Binface, Buckethead and Burnham

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

At the time of writing, neither of the two titans of British politics — Lord Buckethead or Count Binface — has announced whether they will be standing in an upcoming U.K. election.

Thankfully, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party’s Alan “Howlin” Laud Hope will be running to be the member of parliament for Makerfield in the northwest of England on June 18 — the race in which Andy Burnham hopes to return to Westminster and take on Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who is about as popular as a month on the hantavirus cruise ship.

Buckethead and Binface are features of British elections, part of a long tradition of comedy characters who try to get a seat in parliament or, at the very least, embarrass mainstream candidates. Other famous, if ludicrous, candidates from over the years include Screaming Lord Sutch, Mr Fishfinger and Boris Johnson.

Nigel Farage, who failed to get elected seven times before finally making it to parliament, once lost to independent candidate John Stevens, a former MEP who was joined on the campaign trail by someone dressed as a dolphin. Asked to comment, the dolphin told Declassified, “click, click, click, click, click.” Wise words.

If they do decide to throw their oversized hats in the ring, the comedy candidates have a lot to say.

Buckethead’s manifesto (dating from 2019) includes the following policies: “Nigel Farage to be sold off for parts”; “political debates to include swimsuit competition”; and “replace House of Lords with Palace of the Supreme Galactic Overlord.” In 2017, he ran against one-time Prime Minister Theresa May with a promise to nationalize Adele.

Meanwhile, Binface’s policy priorities (from 2024) include “European countries to be invited to join the U.K., creating a new ‘Union of Europe,’ if you will”; “shops that play Christmas music before December to be closed down and turned into public libraries”; and “national service to be introduced for all former prime ministers.”

It’s not just the U.K. that has comedy candidates and parties either. In India, the Cockroach Janta Party is making waves, with membership criteria that include being unemployed, lazy, chronically online and possessing “the ability to rant professionally.” Sign me up!

And in the last European elections, in 2024, there were a host of odd parties to vote for, including Sweden’s Ond Kyckling Partiet, or Evil Chicken Party, which appeared to have the main goal of showing just how easy it is to get on the ballot.

Of course, the U.S. has had absolutely no comedy candidates run in an election ever, and certainly not on the national ballots of 2016, 2020 and 2024!

No, wait, there is Vermin Love Supreme, who has run in numerous elections, with campaign pledges such as requiring people to brush their teeth, zombie apocalypse awareness and a promise of a free pony for every American.

CAPTION COMPETITION

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by Shawn Young